I’ve previously mentioned that I don’t have a clue about raising kids, and while that remains the case, now that I’m into the second century and millennium of trying not to screw them up too much, I have learned a few things I’d like to share with current and would-be parents.
As a parent, you should always, ALWAYS make sure your child is wearing a helmet if you decide to teach them about how pulleys work by attaching one to the garage rafters, putting the kid in a makeshift sling, and hauling them up high. Knee and elbow pads would probably be a good idea as well. Also, rafters aren’t as strong as they might appear.
We all get tired. I get it. And just like our kids pretend to hear what we are saying, even though all they heard was some parental background hum, try to avoid tuning them out. Especially when they ask if they can borrow a lighter, a kitchen knife, rubbing alcohol, and some twine. Don’t just nod absentmindedly. Trust me on this one. Making sure your health insurance is up to date is also a good idea.
Yes, your kid will complain when you roll them out of bed by blasting out reveille on a trumpet
while bouncing on the edge of their bed, then shouting up and at ‘em, maggot, time for calisthenics. Ignore them. You are building core memories they will carry throughout their entire adult lives. As an added health bonus, it strengthens their hearts to handle sudden shocks.
If you have multiple kids, always try to keep things fair. It doesn’t matter the age spread (my oldest and youngest have twenty-two years between them), they still keep track. That’s why when my youngest took to fishing, I made sure to hook him with an errant cast three times in a single day to avoid complaints from his older sisters that he was getting special treatment.
Preteens and teens can be extra sensitive. They are going through a lot of physical changes and get embarrassed easily. We need to be as supportive as we can during those challenging years. Greeting them and their friends at the door wearing a chicken hat and apron while speaking in a loud (bad) Irish brogue as you peer intently at their face and exclaim, Begosh and begorra, is that a wee pimple on your nose? lets them know you are paying attention and care.
Also, it’s good to make sure their friends know you are hip, so using current slang when
speaking to them helps. I have a hard time remembering some of it, but just like when you make the effort to speak someone’s native language, it’s always appreciated by the other person. For example, when I recently jumped into a teen conversation and said that backpack is the scooby doo urinal! So Minnesota, dontcha know! Time to peace out. Raspberry. I could tell by the looks on my son’s and his friends’ faces that they know I get it.
Finally, and I can’t stress this enough, make sure you start telling your kids early, and frequently, that you absolutely will not pay their therapy bills when they are adults. Get it in writing if you need to. These things add up. Trust me.
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